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LOVE vs. FAMILY?

Question #1: "I have a problem in my love life. I love someone that is very important for me and I'm suffering because I can't see her or travel to see her because my family don't want me to! They even said I should leave home if I continue my relationship, but I love her and believe that we are for each other. What are the opportunities for me? How can I decrease the stress?"

"Psychic Advice":
It is very difficult when family members make you choose between them and the person you love. It puts you in a position where your heart will break no matter what you do - either from the loss of your relationship, or from the loss of your family. Blood is ultimately thicker than anything else, so you can either choose allegiance to your family, or choose love and hope that your family will come to change their mind over time.

It is unfortunate when family members interfere with love relationships, but there can be many reasons for this. Families can object to a relationship for religious reasons, out of judgment or prejudice, or for practical or even financial reasons. Sometimes family members can see things in the person or in the relationship that you might not be able to see, because love can make you blind to certain things.

If you are truly in love with this person and the draw to be with her is irresistible, then you may consider carrying on the relationship in secret. This does not reduce the stress, but it does allow you to see whether this relationship is really worth pursuing before you risk losing your family. However, secrecy creates its own stresses, and is not really healthy for your relationship with your family or with the person you love. 

If you choose to carry on the relationship and leave home, your family will be very upset. However, they are not likely to banish you forever and are more likely to forgive you at some point. It can put stress and strain on your relationship with your family for a long time, depending on how strong their feelings are and how stubborn they are. If you decide to become more deeply committed with the person you love, your family may still never accept her and could either refuse to see her, or make her very uncomfortable.

In any case, this is your life to live, and you will have to live with your choices for the rest of your life. Every choice has consequences and repercussions. Your family is demanding that you either let go of your relationship with the woman you love, or let go of your security with your family. It is not an easy choice to make, because you risk losing one way or the other.

Imagine yourself in your future five years from now. Imagine what your life would be like in five years if you let go of this relationship. Imagine what your life would be like if you are happy with someone whom your family likes and approves of. Get a sense of what it's like to have your family around you and your partner, and even your children. Get a sense of whether your family continues to be demanding and controlling in other areas, like with how you are raising your children. Take a moment to feel if you have any regrets about the choices you've made during the five years. You can continue this visualization to see how things feel in your life 10 years from now, 20 years from now, etc. if you choose to make your family happy by letting go of this relationship. 

Now imagine what your life would be like five years from now if you choose to leave home and be with the woman you love. What is your relationship like with her in five years? What is your relationship like with your family? Is there continued stress and tension with your family, and does this cause stress and tension in your relationship? Do you have children, and what is their relationship like with your family? Are you happy with the choice you made, or do you have any regrets? Have you been able to heal and resolve your relationships, and if so, how? You can continue this visualization to see how your life feels 10 years from now, 20 years from now, etc. if you choose love over family.

Family can be very stubborn and unwavering in their beliefs and opinions, but you can also try talking to your family about how you feel. Let them know what you love about this woman and how she makes you feel. Ask them to be willing to extend love and acceptance to her because they love you. Tell them that you don't want to leave them or her, and that it is too painful to be asked to choose between them - it is like choosing between cutting off your arm or your leg, in either case, you will no longer be whole. This approach is not likely to work if your family has already made up their minds, however, it is worth a try.

Family is very important in life. They give us guidance and support (whether we like it or not). They can be the rock that serves as our foundation in life, or they can be the rock that wounds us. What is even more important than making your family happy is making yourself happy. No one can do that for you, and no one can decide that for you. You must choose what truly makes you most happy, and be willing to live with the consequences of those choices.

Relationships can come and go, but family is forever. Choosing this woman over your family can potentially damage your relationship with your family for the rest of your life. Before you take such action, take time to make sure that this is the woman you really want to be with, and that it is worth risking the loss of your family.

Question #2: "My 18 year old daughter chose her boyfriend [rather] than her family. She left us because she cannot follow house rules and she wants more freedom. Do you think she will realize her mistake in the future and come back to us? Is this God's will?"

God's will is for everyone to experience love and joy. As a parent, you want what is best for your child - you want to keep her safe, and prevent her from getting hurt. The reasons for your house rules are to set boundaries and parameters for her safety and wellbeing. However, there is a difference between healthy house rules for children versus rules of the house for teenagers.

As a child grows, you must be willing to be more flexible, giving them more freedom and responsibility to prepare them for life on their own. The "my way or the highway" approach is pushing your daughter away and putting her at risk. An eighteen year old is no longer a child, but even though they are legally considered an adult, they are not fully mature in their decision-making ability. This is why it is best to continue to support them under your watchful eye without attempting to control or manipulate them.

Even if your daughter realizes her "mistake" in the future, she may not come back if you continue to judge her, shame her or be angry with her, because she may feel rejected and unwelcome. She must feel that she is coming home to forgiveness and understanding rather than facing judgment and punishment. 

This situation is showing you that you can no longer change how your daughter acts, you can only change how you react. It would be better if you were to realize your "mistake" and offer her love and acceptance, because that is truly God's will. You may no longer be able to invite her to come back to live at home, but you can invite her and her boyfriend to come to dinner and family functions etc. You may not like him, but the more you reject him, the more you push her into his arms and make her susceptible to his control and influence. The more loving and accepting you are to both of them, the more easily she will be able to see if he is indeed a "mistake" or not.


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