Free Weekly Syndicated Advice Columns
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AVAILABILITY FOR LOVE

qUESTION: "Why do I keep picking unavailable men?"

There are many reasons for having relationships with people who are not available. The main reason involves fear: fear of intimacy, fear of being hurt, fear of loss, the other person's fear of deep emotions, or even a fear of getting what you want (because you’re afraid you don't deserve to be happy). There are also different levels of availability: sometimes a person can be available physically but not emotionally: or they can be available spiritually to support you as a friend, but not physically as a lover: or they can be mentally available with interesting intellectual conversations but not connected to their emotions, etc.

Perhaps you feel safer being with someone who can't really be with you. Even if you think you want the whole package, you are not yet allowing yourself to have it. Humans do a lot of things to protect themselves emotionally. If you let fear of pain stop you from loving fully, then you may as well never cook because you could cut or burn yourself, and never walk because you could trip and fall - fear of pain can stop you from living your life. It could also be that you have a fear of rejection, but if you are attracting unavailable men, then you are actually getting rejected on a constant basis.

Many women who choose unavailable men did not have their father available to them, and on some deep level, took this as a personal rejection and do not feel worthy of having the love of a man. These issues of fear and worthiness, or self-worth, are the main issues that stand in the way of having healthy, loving, intimate relationships. Allow yourself to love yourself enough that you feel worthy of attracting the love you truly desire, even if you fear it. Your first relationship is always with yourself, so you must be available to love yourself fully in order to attract like energy.

qUESTION: "Recently, a boyfriend and I split up - he was the sweetest guy I have been with in a long time. He says I need to work on a relationship with God, my children and my own issues, and then work on us. Can you see us back together again or am I making all these changes in my life for nothing?"

The changes that you are making in your life are for yourself, not for anyone else, and they must be changes that give you joy. This man served as an angel for you to remind you of your priorities: you must put yourself first and work on your own relationship with yourself before you give yourself away to another. He is asking you to fill yourself with love, because without that, you will have nothing to offer anyone except neediness. You must love yourself first, or you will not allow yourself to receive love, nor will you truly have love to give.

If you are focused on making positive changes in your life only to get back together with this man, then you have missed his point and his gift to you. He is telling you that you have a pattern of putting other people first, and losing yourself and your children in the process. If you lose yourself in a relationship, then there will be no one left for that other person to love and respect. You cannot live to please others, or change yourself simply to get approval.

It is essential that you bring your authentic self into all relationships, and allow yourself to be loved for who you really are. You must have love, honor and respect for yourself in order to truly give that to another, or receive that from another. He obviously loves you enough to ask you to love yourself, to love God and to love your children before you love him. Honor that gift, and make the changes that will make you happy, which is never for nothing!

qUESTION: "I am a 43-year-old single mother of two great daughters. I have been divorced for 9 years and seem to be going from relationship to relationship and not finding my soul mate. I have read all the books and love myself and pray to God always. Other than being patient, what more can I do? I am beautiful, loving, funny and professionally employed. I either attract men that suffocate me and I lose interest, or they are a challenge and I get controlling. Please help me...what do you feel? Thank you."

What you are describing feels like a power struggle for control and dominance in the relationship (every relationship goes through power struggles from time to time, especially in the beginning). You are obviously a very bright and powerful woman. As a single mother, you are in a situation where you must play the role of both mother and father to your children, which calls for using a lot of your masculine energy to provide for your family, while at the same time, maintaining your feminine beauty and other attributes. This requires a delicate balance.

What often happens for women who are on their own is that their masculine side becomes very protective, like a male guard dog. When another man comes into the picture, your masculine self tries to protect you and becomes territorial, just like when two male dogs meet. Most likely, part of you does not fully trust men based on your past experiences, so your inner self is trying to save you from future pain.

You may still be holding feelings of hurt, anger or resentment from previous relationships that need to be healed before you can trust in love again. The first thing I would suggest is that you work with forgiving the men in your past, and see if you hold any beliefs about "all men". Ask yourself if you believe that the man that you want to be with really exists, in other words, are there men out there who have the qualities and attributes that you are looking for? You must believe that such a man exists in order to manifest that experience (even if you believe there might only be one of them on Earth, one is all you need!). You can only experience what you believe is possible.

The man that you really want to share your life with is worth waiting for. This is not as much a matter of patience as it is a matter of choice and discernment. Know what you want and what you are looking for in a man and in a relationship, and hold out for that (my recording on "Keeping Relationships Real" can be helpful for creating the ideal recipe for a successful relationship). When you know what you want, you'll be able to recognize it when you see it. You'll know within the first couple of dates whether a person is a true candidate for your love or not, so you don't have to wait to see whether or not he gets on your nerves. There are millions of fish in the sea - if the first ones you catch are not to your liking, throw them back, and keep on fishing!

The key thing is that when you know what you really want, it puts your order in to the Universe, and begins the process of attracting that to you. Because like attracts like, you must be the person you want to be with, and then others who are like you will be drawn to like you. Remember that the greatest relationships are built on friendship, because it is always best to have your partner in life be a friend who can be by your side through the good times and the challenging times. Don't fall for the Hollywood image of relationships - how long do relationships last in Hollywood anyway? Relationships built on passion alone can burn out like shooting stars.

Make sure that what you are wanting in a man and in a relationship is truly what you want for your life, and not just a romantic fantasy to satisfy a need in the moment or to please someone else. Many people put more time and thought into picking out a new pair of shoes than they do a life partner. Lifelong relationships take time to foster, but the love that is built on a strong foundation can weather the toughest of storms and last an eternity.

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