Free Weekly Syndicated Advice Columns
Published Every Wednesday Afternoon (PST)

HOW TO MEET MR./MS. RIGHT

"When am I going to meet my life partner?"

It is not so much a question of when, as it is a question of how to meet your life partner, and to do this you must know what kind of person you want in your life. Most people do not know what they want for themselves, so they go out into the world attracting "whatever". If you went into a restaurant and ordered "whatever", how can you be certain that you're going to get something you enjoy?

First, you must choose a restaurant that has the type of food that you enjoy or feel like having at that time. Then you look at the menu of possible choices and order what appeals to you, trusting the kitchen to cook up what you've ordered, and waiting for the waiter to bring it to you. Sometimes it might take a while for what you've ordered to come, but at no time do you doubt that you will get what you asked for (and if you do, you ask the kitchen for something else).

This is how manifestation works as well. You must order from the Universe what you want, whether it is a relationship, a trip, a career, a home, etc. You are the co-creator of your life, and so you must take responsibility for choosing what you want to experience, therefore, you must allow yourself to know what that is. A lot of people make the mistake of making choices by default - they know what they don't want, but the Universe does not respond to negatives, therefore you must ask for what you do want.

Many people go through life by trial and error, trying this and that, and going through lots of pain in the process, rather than choosing for themselves what really gives them joy and thereby experiencing joy. Some will say, "Well, how do I know if I like it if I've never tried it?" That's fair enough, and it's good to keep an open mind and an open heart, but how long does it take to know if you really like it - seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years?

You have to know what you want for your life, then you must ask the Universe for it, with absolute trust and faith that you will receive it. Remember to always ask in the positive, and in the present, and it helps to ask with gratitude that you are receiving it already: "Thank you, Universe, for bringing me my ideal loving partner to enjoy my life with." In order to know what kind of a partner you want, you must place your order to the Universe from an infinite menu of choices - all possibilities are available for you to choose from, so choose all that gives you joy.

It is most helpful if you make three lists: 1) what qualities you would like in a partner; 2) what you would like your relationship to be like; 3) what type of lifestyle do you want to live. Write down everything that comes to mind without censoring yourself (just make sure you put it in the positive), and remember, don't be afraid to ask for what you really want because, it's perfectly okay to order dessert!

The next step is to look at the lists together and make sure that they are aligned with each other, that what you are looking for in a person can give you what you want in a relationship, and fits with the type of lifestyle you want to live. For instance, if you want a person who is completely independent and adventuresome, that may not fit with wanting an affectionate and secure relationship, or a lifestyle of being a devoted stay-at-home parent, unless you are willing to go along for the ride.

The next step is to look at each list and take out the ten most important qualities and prioritize them. This lets you know what is most important to you so you will be able to recognize it when you see it. This will let you know very quickly upon meeting someone whether that person is a candidate for your love. Remember, these are the things that are most important of all to you, so don't compromise too much - it is better to wait for what you really want than to settle for compromising your values and ideals, and compromising yourself in the process.

Dating is really about you interviewing someone for the most important job in your life - that of your life partner. Your lists help you to know what those job requirements are so you can attract the best candidates, then it is up to you to check out their resume, and to fully interview them a few times before you give them this most trusted position as your partner in life. It is easier to wait to hire the best person in the first place than to have the pain of firing someone who was never really a good candidate.

Use your head and your heart together, but use your head first before your heart is involved. Your lists will help you keep a clear head to know what you really want, then your heart can feel out whether there is an emotional connection with that person, and your body will tell you whether there is a physical and chemical spark. If you allow your body to lead you, it can get you in trouble. If you allow your heart alone to lead you, it can be painful, because it is easy to fall in love, and once the heart is involved, no amount of rational thinking will make any difference. It is best to think first, then to feel in order to know and follow your own truth.

Take your time writing your lists, and revisit them from time to time because your needs and desires may change as you grow and evolve. You can continue to change what you are asking for until you meet that person, but once they are in your life, you can no longer change them. It is as if you are like a sculptor working with clay to create your masterpiece - as long as the clay is wet, you can keep reshaping it, but once that person is in your life, the clay is dry and will crack if you try to change it.

The next phase is to ask yourself: what does this person like to do and where would this person be? If you have asked for an athletic person, they would be at a gym, or at a game. Remember that like attracts like, and you attract who you are, so if you want someone who is athletic, you should also enjoy sports and athletic activities yourself.

You want to share your life and the things that you enjoy with another person. This is not about you becoming someone that you're not in order to please someone else. Many people make the mistake of wearing masks and being inauthentic in order to attract someone else. This becomes disastrous over time as you would be miserable living a life that is not true to you, and your partner would wonder what happened to the person they met.

It is best to know yourself, be yourself and be in your truth. If the person cannot love you for who you really are, it is best to know that as soon as possible so you can move on. This is not a reflection on whether or not you are lovable, and do not take it as a personal rejection; it is simply a lack of compatibility that frees you to find your true partner who is aligned with who you are and what you want for your life.

So many people, women especially, are so focused on the external, on whether someone else loves them, that they never bother to find out how they feel about that person, and often make the wrong choices just because someone else loves them and chooses them. It is not just about how the other person feels about you, it is equally important to know how you really feel about that person.

Like attracts like, so you must do the activities that you like to do and that you would like to share with someone who also likes those activities. Really, you must be the person you want to attract, and go to the places where you would be able to meet that person doing those activities. Most people go to bars to meet other people, but what kind of people do you meet in a bar? If you want a person who drinks, plays darts or pool or watches sports on TV, then that's the place to find them. If not, go somewhere else.

You must put yourself in the right place at the right time to meet the right person for you. If you want someone who loves to dance, then go to a co-ed dance class or a nightclub. If you want someone who is intellectual, go to a lecture. If you want someone who loves to read, go to a bookstore or library. If you want someone spiritual, go to a workshop. If you want someone who loves cars, go check out those cars at a dealership or see if they have a club for that type of car (classics, BMW's, or Minis, etc. have these type of clubs).

Sometimes it can be helpful to have some assistance in meeting others because we don't always make the best choices for ourselves. Sometimes, if we have known a lot of pain, we will be attracted to more pain, because like attracts like. Friends and family members who love you might be able to choose love for you better than you can - many marriages have resulted from blind dates. You might also consider joining a dating service where you can list all the things you enjoy and ask for all the things you want in a partner - there can be many positives in this, such as the fact that those who join such a service are actively seeking a partner, and the service does a lot of pre-screening and focuses on compatibility.

The most important thing is that you must get out in the world and put yourself in situations where you can meet someone else. They won't come knocking at your door - unless you want a mail carrier (hmm, athletic, loves the outdoors, dependable, efficient, strong - not bad...)! If you haven't met the right person for you by doing what you've been doing, then it is up to you to change yourself in order to change your life. Try going to a different gym, taking up classes, going to lectures, joining walking groups, getting a dog - but only do things because you really enjoy them, not because you want to meet someone, because that type of manipulation and dishonesty is not fair to either of you in the long run.

The key to manifesting anything in life is to do what you love, and that joy will attract more of what you love to you. Know what you want so the Universe can deliver it to you, and so you can recognize it when it comes. And most importantly, you must love yourself so you can shine love into the world and thereby attract love to you.

Copyright ©2005 Grace & Grace Associates Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved

"Responsibility is power. You have the power of choice.
You are always responsible for the choices you make and the actions you take."