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"What's the best way to deal with the end of a friendship" Psychic Advice Column addresses inquiries related to: When is it time to end a friendship, Why other women tell wife about cheating husband, signs of a cheating husband, how to deal with losing a friend, 6 Good reasons to end a friendship, How to get over the losing of a friend, and more...

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH
THE END OF A FRIENDSHIP?

Question: "I have a friend that has told me on several occasions that their not doing well financially. We have been friends for almost 10 years now and we confide in each other regularly. I have just been informed that she is expecting again, the problem with this is that it was an intentional pregnancy. I just don't understand why she would deliberately bring another child into this world if she knew she couldn't afford it. We had talked before about her wanting more children and that she would have to wait until they are more stable. Obviously I have a huge problem with this and our friendship is suffering because of it. How do I go about continuing our friendship? I love her dearly but, I just don't agree with her carelessness. On top of all of that, her husband has been cheating on her for years now. I have asked her on several times if she would want to know if her husband was cheating and she has said 'no'. I have had such anxiety about all of it. I want to tell her but at the same time I know that once I told her, her life would be ruined. My husband has told me to pull myself out of the situation and not spend so much time with her. It has helped a little but, I still can't help but feel responsible for not telling her even though she says she wouldn't want to know. What do I do?"

Psychic Advice:
This question brings up a multitude of issues. First, you must ask yourself, can you "live and let live"? Can you love, accept and support your friend unconditionally, and can you accept the choices that she is making for her life? After all, she is the one who has to live with her choices, not you. This situation is causing you anxiety because you care deeply for your friend and do not want to see her in pain. Also, perhaps you may be growing tired of hearing her complain about her suffering, and then have to watch her make choices that are likely to make it worse.

True love is not about assuming what you would want or what you would do in her situation, and love does not judge what you think would be best for her. You cannot know what another person's path or destiny is, you can only manage your own. However, real compassion is having the willingness to put yourself in your friend's skin and feel what she is feeling in order to understand why she is choosing her present circumstances.

Sometimes it can be difficult to understand why people make the choices they do, especially when it comes to children and pregnancy. However, there may be more going on than you are aware of. On one hand, babies have free will and choice about when, where, and with whom they choose to incarnate. Babies choose when they are conceived, and they choose the ideal circumstances for their upbringing that will support them to learn certain lessons, have certain experiences, and fulfill their purpose. Babies choose their parents, and the timing of their birth - they even choose whether they will be born or not. Babies choose the optimum circumstances that will allow them to grow and evolve, even if these circumstances do not seem ideal, such as in cases where there is poverty, abuse, abandonment, etc. When a soul designs a lifetime, those choices are made based on what will serve the highest good of all concerned, not necessarily based on what will feel good, or what will be most comfortable or convenient for everyone.

Some couples have babies to try to create a stronger bond between them in their relationship, or even to try to hold the relationship together, but this can be a huge mistake. Babies are not glue, and they often put more stress and strain on a relationship, especially if that relationship is already stressed or strained.  This can be even more challenging if the relationship is experiencing financial hardship, because children can be a tremendous financial burden, especially these days. But millions of people who can't afford to have children do have children; children are born into poverty and financial hardship every day all over the world - some survive and some do not, some thrive and some do not, but each experience serves a purpose for all involved.

Some people have babies to fill a hole in themselves or to overcome a feeling of emptiness in their own life, or to give their life a sense of purpose and meaning. Perhaps your friend is seeking to have a child so she can give and receive more love, with the new baby and with her husband. When your friend said that she would have to wait until they were more stable before having another child, she may have been referring to financial stability, but unconsciously, she may believe that having another baby will give their relationship more emotional stability. This may appear to be careless on her part, but it may actually be carefully calculated and planned out.

When someone says that they wouldn't want to know if their spouse is cheating on them, they usually already know in their heart that they are, but they don't want to admit it or have it be confirmed. As long as they "don't know", they don't have to face changing or confronting anything, and they can go on in "blissful ignorance" maintaining the status quo. Your friend has repeatedly told you that she would not want to know that her husband is cheating, so you have to respect that and honor her wish. It is not your place to judge or impose your values on her life. You are not responsible for her choices, or for her husband's actions. Your responsibility is to be the kind of friend that your friend is asking you to be - in essence, she wants you to let her maintain her illusions.

Some of the reasons why other women tell a wife about her cheating husband are because they would want their friends to tell them, or because it gives them a feeling of protecting their friend, or because it creates a sense of justice. But your friend has clearly told you that she doesn't want to know, so you really cannot tell her - not only would telling her ruin her life and burst her protective bubble of illusion and denial, but it would also forever ruin your friendship.

If your friend's situation causes you too much anxiety and discomfort, then you have to ask yourself when is it time to end a friendship? We come into each other's lives for a reason, often because we serve as a reflection for each other during different times in our lives. However, as we grow through life and through our relationships, we will either grow together or grow apart. It is possible that you and your friend may no longer be on the same wavelength at the moment, and that you may not share as much in common as you once did. This can also change in time, and you may grow toward each other again - or not.

If you choose to remain friends with her through this period, then you must love and accept her and her choices without judgment. Stop letting it upset you and recognize that it is indeed her life to live. However, don't let this situation negatively impact your own relationship either - your husband may be tired of hearing about your friend's issues, and you must be careful not to take out your anger and frustration on him. If you don't want to keep listening to your friend confide and complain about her circumstances, then you may need to distance yourself from her as your husband suggested, or end the friendship altogether.

What is the best way to deal with the end of a friendship? As much as possible, keep loving her with compassion in your heart. Keep praying for her wellbeing, and for the wellbeing of all those concerned. Release your judgments of her and accept the path that she has chosen, even if it is a painful one. You can either tell her directly yet gently that as her friend, you find it too painful to keep worrying about her, and you need time and space to get used to her having a baby at this challenging time. Or, you can simply keep withdrawing and pulling back, and eventually let the friendship dissolve or disintegrate. You don't have to keep getting caught up in her drama.

If you still feel some sense of responsibility with regard to her cheating husband, you may choose to confront him directly about his cheating, particularly since his wife is pregnant. Or your could send an anonymous note (not by email) to his workplace telling him that for years he has shown signs of a cheating husband, and that everyone will soon know, if he doesn't stop now and take care of his pregnant wife and family as they deserve to be treated.


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