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"TORN BETWEEN TWO MEN"
Question: "I'm caught between two men, and I don't know which one is truly for me?"
When you are torn between two men, you must choose which one feels best for you and your life based on many factors. Although chemistry and attraction are important in any relationship, feelings of passion are not enough to build a strong foundation for a long-term relationship, because passion so often fades over time.
Whether you are torn between two guys, two jobs, two homes, etc., there are many different tools and exercises you can use to help you make the best choices and decisions for your life. The key is to first have a good idea about what you really want in life, and what makes you happy.
I cannot tell you how often people, especially women, become so concerned over whether another person likes them that they never stop to consider how they themselves really feel about the other person. In order for you to know whether someone is a good candidate for a relationship with you, you must first determine what you want your life to be like, and what kind of partner you want to share your life with.
Exercise #1 - Get Clear About What You Want
On one sheet of paper, write down all the qualities you are looking for in a partner. Include all of the things you find most attractive and appealing, not just in looks, but in attitude, goals, hobbies, likes and dislikes, etc. Write down everything you can think of, and especially all the things that are most important to you (if blue eyes are important, then include that, but otherwise, don't limit your options).
Make a second list of everything that you want in a relationship. Write down how you like to be treated, and what types of things you want to do together. Write down how you want to feel when you are together, and even how you want to feel when you are apart. Also, include all the qualities that are really important to you in a relationship, like trust, honesty, safety, compassion, caring, kindness, thoughtfulness, romance, respect, etc.
Now write a third list of what type of lifestyle you want to live. Do you want to travel? If so, where? How? Do you want to spend time with family? Do you enjoy children? How do you want your day-to-day life to be like, and how do you want to share that with your partner?
Make sure when you write these lists that you word everything carefully, asking only for what you really want. You can take a moment to close your eyes and visualize what you have written to see how it really feels to you so you make sure it is indeed what you really want to experience. Also, write only what you DO want, not what you DON'T want.
Look through your lists and circle the ten most important things on each list. Write the numbers 1-10 beside each one, with 1 being the most important thing, 2 being the second most important thing, etc. Rewrite these top ten things in order at the top of each list.
Now that you know what you really want and what is most important to you, think of the two men in your life and write down which of the top ten qualities from each list that each man offers. Remember that your top ten priorities on each list are the things that are most important to you, so you want to choose the man who most fulfills these. (If neither of the men in your life meet many of these criteria, then it would be best for you to keep looking for a truly compatible partner).
Exercise #2 - Working with your Future Self
Close your eyes and imagine yourself with each of these men a year from now. How do you feel? What does your life look like? Are you enjoying your life and your relationship? Now imagine yourself with each of them two years from now - how do you feel? How does your life look now? Imagine five years from now, ten years, twenty years, etc. Are you smiling and happy, or sad and unfulfilled?
Most women dream of getting married, but never stop to imagine what the marriage would actually be like after the wedding day. How would it feel to be married to each man? What would your day-to-day life look like and feel like? Would you have children? How would each of them be as a father? As a husband? What about when you are old together? How would he be if you needed to be cared for?
You can use this visualization of your future self with any choice or decision to determine whether that is the best choice for you now, and for your future. Trust how you feel during these visualizations - if you feel joy and peace, then that is probably the best choice for you, but if you feel fear and anxiety, you may want to reconsider that choice.
Exercise #3 - Pros and Cons
If you really cannot get clear about what you want, or how you feel in your heart, you can always use your head to analyze your best options. Take a piece of paper for each of the men you are torn between, and draw a line down the middle of the paper from top to bottom.
In the left column, write down all of the things you don't like about that relationship, rating each item from -1 to -10, with -10 being the things you dislike most. In the right column, write down all the things you like, love and enjoy about that person and that relationship, rating each item from +1 to +10, with +10 being the things you like most.
When you finish both lists for both men, add up each column, and subtract the minuses from the pluses to get a final score for each man. Also, circle all of the tens and take notice of these as being the absolute best and worst aspects of each relationship. (Make sure you don't let either man see these lists, so destroy them once you've made up your mind!)
Ultimately, dating is really a prolonged job interview to find the right person to fill the most important job in the world to you. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions so you can really get a sense of whether a man is really a good candidate for being your life partner.
If children are important to you, ask how he feels about kids, and watch how he acts around children. What kinds of things does he like to do? Does he like to do the things that you enjoy doing? You don't have to be attached at the hip, but you do have to share and enjoy some similar interests.
Also, don't avoid asking yourself some tough questions:
- Do you like yourself when you are with him? Do you like how you act, how you feel and who you are?
- How often do you do things you don't really enjoy just to be with him? How much do you have to compromise yourself?
- What is it like being with his friends and family? How do you feel around them? How does he act around them? How does he treat you when you are with them?
- Do you fight fair, or do you stubbornly or cruelly hurt each other in order to win at all costs?
- Are you supportive or competitive with one another? Do you encourage each other or put each other down?
- Do you bring out the best in each other, or the worst?
Our relationships affect everything in our life; they can impact our health and well-being, our joy and self-esteem, our success and self-worth. When you are torn between two men, you owe it to yourself to really take the time to make the best choice for yourself and for your life, and commit to your true happiness.
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Copyright ©2007 Grace & Grace Associates Consulting, Inc. All Rights Reserved
"Responsibility is power. You have the power of choice.
You are always responsible for the choices you make and the actions you take."